The Mating Game

Suppose you were to ask a machine to list the most desirable qualities in a human mate.

Physical attractiveness, intelligence, sociability, and a strong position in the societal hierarchy would likely top the bill. In theory, someone who chose a partner based on these criteria would end up with healthy and successful offspring. Following the principles of evolutionary biology, they would have fulfilled their purpose and triumphed in Darwin’s great game.

Unfortunately, humans are not logical creatures. Any android attempting to secure a mate fielding only these pre-designated traits would encounter a strange phenomenon. Despite ticking every box on their well-built index, some people would simply not be interested.


Why? Humans do not think in binary. Our lives are shaped by nuanced, illogical, and trivial biases. There are rarely universal positives in the mating game.

As the circuits began to crackle and pop on our poor android’s neural processors, we would be prompted to reflect on the irrational nature of human mating decisions.

No number of ticked boxes will guarantee you anything beyond a full sheet of paper.

★  ★ ★  ★

Richard Vogel met most criteria on any mating checklist. He was handsome, fit, intelligent, made friends easily, and was clearly on the track to a good career following his upcoming graduation. Upon meeting him most people would assume that seducing prospective mates should be as easy for him as ordering a cup of coffee.

And it usually was. Many men that Richard flashed his flawless white teeth at would be hooked on the spot. The holdouts could usually be brought into line with a few minutes of engaging and personable conversation.

All of this was well known to Richard. He was a prime catch—at the top of the food chain. The knowledge strengthened his confidence, which in turn only made him more attractive to potential mates.

And so, when the day finally came that Richard spotted a catch worthy of his pursuit, it seemed simply a matter of displaying his volume of impressive qualifications in just the right way. Once the target had gazed on his superior traits, fanned out like a train of beautiful and majestic peacock feathers, it would simply be a minor logistic matter to arranging their pairing up.

Not necessarily easy, but simple. Fulfill the requirements, display the qualifications, and wrap up the logistic niceties.

Our poor android was in for a rude awakening.

★  ★ ★  ★

It had started with a rumor—a rumor that one handsome young man, with just the traits that Richard liked, was gay. Daniel Torrero had dark hair, dark eyes and sharp features that were at once masculine and elegant. He had a strong academic record and was well respected for his involvement in a wide range of societies, clubs, and volunteer organizations. This would be a truly powerful match.

It mattered little that Daniel was still in the closet, or that he was from an extremely religious family. Such things were common in the American South.

What did matter was Richard’s own infatuation. Every time he saw Daniel his stomach would lurch, and his silver tongue would turn to wood. It was unusual for Richard to be so chemically intoxicated by someone’s presence. A much greater degree of planning would be required to ensure his fascination with this new target would not disturb the shine of his pristine feathers. All of his assets needed to be on display in their full, shining glory to ensure success.

Richard’s strategy was simple. To surround, to encircle—termed weirao (围绕) in Chinese as Richard half-jokingly explained to a small handful of confidants. Befriend enough of Daniel’s companions and acquaintances, and they would do the talking for him. Far better to spread information through the mouths of trusted familiars, than to lower oneself to crude self-promotion.

He began with friends of friends, acquaintances of friends, and sometimes even acquaintances of acquaintances. Even the most tenuous of connections could be useful if applied properly. You never knew who would happen to have just the right connection to start everything clicking into place.

Richard supplemented his web-weaving with an ever intensifying crackdown at the gym. His regular schedule of running and weights ballooned into a daily near-triathlon of sprints, high-intensity core burns, and dumbbell pumps.  His diet was so strictly planned and regulated that calculating, stocking and consuming the precise amount of nutrients became a full time job. One regretful drunk slice of pizza would inevitably result in a week of anxiety and even more brutal gym sessions. He stared into the mirror every day, examining himself for any last imperfection.

Nothing short of Adonis himself would do.

By the time Richard finally made the long awaited connection, his mind and body were completely consumed by his goal. If he could only be perfect, there would be no doubt to his success. He was so close.

Connie Lamar was a perky young Latin-American Studies major in Richard’s same year. She was good humored and intelligent, if a bit naive. She also happened to be one of Daniel’s closest friends. This final gold nugget of information was revealed to Richard one day in the International Studies building student lounge. Richard was spending another afternoon dashing between classes and Daniel’s favorite study spots, ostensibly catching up on classwork while keeping an eye out for his prize.

Richard hadn’t had a single Daniel sighting in the last week and was beginning to question the value of this particular stakeout location. In his boredom, he struck up conversation with the only other person in the room.

Connie was amiable as always and quickly began gibbering about various friend and exam drama. Her charismatic speaking manner made these relatively mundane topics seem slightly more engaging than usual. Despite this, after 10 minutes of chatting Richard was beginning to lose interest.

“And when me, Lindsay and Daniel were stuck in the Honors College basement cramming for Mrs. Watts’ mid-term we—”

“—Oh, how do you know Daniel?”

In his excitement, all thoughts of strategy and contrived aloofness had momentarily been pushed from Richard’s mind. He winced inwardly at his own abrupt and blunt interruption.

“I’ve been one of his best friends for years. How do y’all know each other?” Connie replied without missing a beat; a large, wholesome smile strung across her face.

“Oh, we don’t really know each other that well, I’ve just heard his name around.” The response sounded weak, but at least somewhat believable.

“Oh, well we should all grab drinks sometime! I think you two would get along really well.”

Richard tried not to betray the howling din of triumphant voices booming through his head.

“Yeah, sure, that would be great. I always love meeting new people.”

Connie shot back her signature smile. “Awesome! I’ll talk with Daniel and let you know when we’re free to meet up some time in the next week or two.”

Triumph. This was exactly what Richard had been waiting for. Put enough tentacles out and you were bound to find what you were looking for eventually.

★  ★ ★  ★

The long-awaited first meeting went off without a hitch. Richard’s charms may have been dulled by the roiling sea of neurochemicals coursing through his blood, but Daniel didn’t seem to notice. It helped that both parties had consumed several drinks by the time they met at a popular downtown pub. Connie’s bubbly presence and naive chatter provided a welcome buffer between the two near-strangers. This was, after all, the first time that Daniel had ever seen or heard of Richard in anything but passing.

Richard, on the other hand, was forced into a delicate dance of leading questions and feigned ignorance. His investigative efforts had provided a good deal of information on Daniel’s background, social affiliations, and interests. This foreknowledge was a double-edged sword. Its existence could not be revealed, of course, but the information allowed him to shape the flow of conversation, and his own responses, in a way most likely to beguile his hapless prey.

By evenings end, Richard and Daniel were chatting and laughing like old friends. They had outgrown their chaperone, who was nevertheless a pleasant intermittent distraction. As they parted for the night, Richard silently resolved that their next official meeting would be bilateral.

The days and weeks that followed saw the pieces of Richard’s plan fall into place. Like a train setting off down freshly laid tracks, the most difficult work was done before the journey began. Each interaction played out in a meticulously designed framework, guiding Richard’s passenger step-by-step towards his ordained destination.

The pair crossed paths on several seemingly serendipitous occasions; once in a student lounge, another in a university cafe, several more on brief walks between classes. Finally Richard suggested that they meet at a coffee shop to study together. After all, their schedules were so strangely aligned that they would likely run into each other regardless.

Cafe dates became home-study evenings, which eventually gave way to movie nights on the couch. The sex almost seemed an afterthought when it finally came; a diploma awarded after the final passing scores have already been received. Richard was riding too high on dopamine and serotonin to see the consummation as anything more than icing on the cake. He had Daniel—his long-awaited prize. The plan had played out perfectly, each step moving forward like a well-oiled machine.

And then it ended.

★  ★ ★  ★

Early one morning, after a pleasant night at Richard’s house, the pair pulled up to Daniel’s driveway.

“I’ll message you later,” Richard said with an easy and genuine smile.

“Sounds good.” Daniel’s teeth gleamed in the morning light.

Daniel stepped out of the vehicle, up the driveway, and disappeared through the front door. Richard pulled away from the house in a pleasurable, dreamlike haze. He floated home and began collecting his thoughts for the day.

The phone rang. It was Daniel. Richard answered with a smile.

“Hey”

“Hey.”—a short reply from the speaker.

“What’s up?” Richard formed the words through a dreamy smile.

“Not much,” the voice answered with slightly forced air, “I actually wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Sure, what’s up?”

A pause from the phone.

“I… uh… I don’t think we should see each other any more.”

Silence.

“What?” Richard asked without comprehension.

“I… think it’s better if we don’t see each other any more.”

“What?… I don’t understand,” Richard asked through the thick haze still enveloping his mind.

“Yeah, I mean, it was fun, but I don’t think we should meet up again.”

Silence.

“Sorry,” the speaker offered weakly.

“Um… yeah, OK.” Mental gears turned as Richard attempted to process what he was hearing.

“Yeah… so… uh… I’ll see you around.” The disembodied voice was clearly anxious to end the call.

“OK.”

“Bye.”

The lined clicked dead.

★  ★ ★  ★

Broken. Richard was broken. Questions would not stop assaulting his every waking moment.

Why? Why had this happened? What had gone wrong?

Had he misjudged some signal? Had he miscalculated some crucial step? How could this have been avoided?

Again and again questions bombarded his mind. Hypotheses of every kind took shape. Every possible misstep, every personal inadequacy screamed their condemnations. He had to have an answer.

But one would never come.

Daniel would not speak to him. He wouldn’t even acknowledge Richard’s presence when they happened to pass each other on the street.

Connie didn’t have any answers either. Daniel kept his private life to himself. His closed-lipped approach to personal relationships meant that the pool of people privy to such information was almost nonexistent.

Richard would never know. The thought drove him mad. He couldn’t concentrate on his school work. He had lost all desire to go out with friends. The whole world was submerged a grey haze. It felt like he was slowly losing his mind.

Months passed. The pain never went away, but Richard slowly developed a numbness which allowed him to function in day-to-day life. He gradually gained the ability to push the thoughts from his mind. He buried his head in school work, exhausted his body at the gym, and filled his every moment with thoughts of anything but Daniel. Eventually his outward appearance and behavior suggested a full recovery to all but his closest confidants.

Life moved on. Graduation came and went. New memories grew and pushed the old far away. Richard found he didn’t need to try so hard to avoid thinking of Daniel. As the story faded into the grey history of life, the memory stiffened into an old scar—unpleasant to look at, but no longer aching or painful.

Richard would eventually forget Daniel’s face, forget his voice, and forget why he was ever interested in him in the first place. But there was one thing he would never forget.

Humans are not logical animals. In matters of passion, the best laid plans aren’t worth the paper they are written on.

End